It’s part of my charm…

I’m back!

I am what I like to think of as an interesting person.  Hard to describe in just one word. Eclectic!  When people comment on one of my many, many (many, many, many, many) quirks, I always respond the same way: “it’s part of my charm.”  People laugh, and I laugh a little too, but honestly… it’s true.  Love me or hate me, but this is me.

Here’s where that gets tough.  While I have never really had a problem with who I am in my friendships, I struggle with it sometimes in the world of dating.  I find myself pretending that facets of who I am don’t exist because I worry.  Will he like me?  We he think that’s cute, endearing, charming? Or will he think that’s weird, annoying, and stupid?  So what I do?  I pretend.  I invent a person that isn’t really me.  Sure she looks like me, has pieces of me, laughs like me (I’ve tried, no way to tame the laugh), but at the end of the day… she’s not the real me.

Why do we do that?  Eventually the real me is going to come out.  If you date someone long enough, you wake up one day and forget to act.  Whether you are you from the beginning or you eventually show your true colors at some later point, you are going to have to present the real person you are eventually.  Why are we so afraid to do that?  Common sense tells us that if the person we are with cannot accept us for who we are, we should not be with that person.  Why do we try to twist and mold ourselves into something we are not just to please the other person?  Are we that afraid of who we are?

Well, we need to stop.

No but actually…. STOP.

I have entered the world of dating many times and then taken breaks.  I just re-entered it again after a few month long break, but this time, I made a decision.  I will absolutely, positively, be me.  Honestly, it is somewhat terrifying, because I don’t know if I have ever really done that from the beginning… just been completely me.. and at 31, that is really sad.  There was a post I saw on facebook the other day:

“You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy.  If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.  Apologize for mistakes.  Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone– profusely.  But don’t apologize for being who you are.”

I have no idea who said that, but I want to hug them.

I am done.  I am done rounding out my edges to make someone else more comfortable.  I am done pretending a piece of me doesn’t exist for fear that someone might not like it.  I am done living my life as anyone other than me and I am definitely done apologizing for who I am.

To all of you out there who are trying to find that person to share their lives with, don’t do it by pretending.  Don’t do it by building a persona that isn’t real.  Don’t hide the essence of who you are out of fear, and DON’T under any circumstances apologize for being who you are.

It has taken me 31 years to realize that I am 31 flavors and then some… not all of the flavors are good but they are all part of me and they all make me who I am.  I will always work on myself as a person.  I will always try to be the best me I can be.  But I will no longer be anyone else other than me, and neither should you.

Happy summer everyone,

Sara

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So….. flirting.

I recently came across a clip on Buzzfeed about the awkwardness of flirting, and I don’t know about you but I think flirting is just SO AWKWARD.  Some people are really good at. I commend those people.  I envy those people.  I kind of hate those people.  (No I don’t.)

Here are some of my favorite awkward flirting attempts:

1) Trying to be cute

I think usually people are cute when they aren’t trying to be.  So when a person actually tries to be cute, it can go very wrong.  The absolute worst is when people try to be cute by talking in baby voices.  Am I right? I don’t know you, I don’t love you unconditionally yet.  Don’t talk like a baby…. that’s not going to make me attracted to you.  That is going to make me want to spike your drink with benadryl.  There is definitely a way to be cute without being awkwardly cute.

2) Saying you like things more than you do

If I tell you that I have a deep love of musical theater and the reality is you have never seen a show, don’t really want to see a show, and/or think musical theater is stupid, don’t lie.  If you tell me this is something you also love, I will drag you to every live musical within driving distance and I will elbow you really hard if you fall asleep.  If you tell me that this isn’t really something you are interested in, I will bring a friend to the shows instead of you, simple as that.  Perhaps once a year I might drag you, but that means I’ll also pretend to like golf for a day or something.  I am totally guilty of this too.  I am a rare breed who is very artsy but also enjoys watching a lot of sports.  However, learning to play sports…. never going to happen.  So when they tell me “I would love to take you to the tennis court sometime” and I say “sure, that sounds awesome” I am so full of it… and I will regret it later.  Also, I am a pretty bad liar so I have to believe sometimes they can see right through my false excitement.

3) Laughing at everything

Guilty.  Maybe its a nervous thing.  We want so much for them to like us that we pretend EVERYTHING they say is funny.  Well, except on rare occasions, it is so not.  Don’t get me wrong, there are some wonderfully funny people out there.  But do we have to laugh at every word that comes out of their mouth?  Sometimes I think we laugh even when things are not that funny just because we don’t know what to say.  Hmm… maybe I take it back, maybe this avoids the awkward silence.

4) Being touchy

I actually don’t have an issue with being touchy if it means casually touching someone’s hand or holding it while you walk.  But the thing that bothers me is when people can’t take a hint.  If every time you touch your date’s hand, they find a reason to pull it away and use that hand, it means they aren’t okay with it.  Maybe they aren’t into you, or maybe they just are not immediately touchy-feely people.  I am an extremely touchy-feely person but believe me, if you touch my leg and I’m not into it, I will find a very clear way to let you know.  I do think its cute, the reasons we find to touch people on a date.  “Oh your hair is in your face.”  No it’s not, I used half a bottle of hairspray on it so it would not end up in my face. “Haha, you are so funny (insert hand touch or gently shoulder hit).”  Yeah I am, but thank you for showing me both physically and verbally.  I have one I use all the time: “I love your watch, that’s a great watch.”  Silly, but works every time, because obviously I have to take your hand and really examine the watch to prove that it is in fact a GREAT watch.

and my favorite:

5) Finding ways to call attention to yourself

As I write this, I am sitting in the library.  There is a handsome man a few cubicles down from me and I am having both a looking skinny day and a great hair day.  Don’t think I haven’t cleared my throat, giggled under my breath, fluffed my hair, pretended to get a flirty text from someone else, and found 7 reasons to walk by him in the last hour.  I draw the line at looking helpless but for some women, that works great.  I feel like women do this one more than men.  In general, I feel like if men want your attention, they are a little more direct, but feel free to correct me.

Flirting is a lot of work.  So much to think about.  The funny thing is, maybe if we thought less about it, we would come across as cuter, more genuine, more natural people who others notice regardless.  That is a big maybe, but hey, I can hope!

Happy flirting!

Sara

That time I got outsmarted by match.com when I thought I was outsmarting them…

I don’t know about you other online daters, but one thing that I really struggle with is how expensive it is.  Websites like match.com, eharmony, jdate, etc… not cheap.. and they require you to sign up for several months at a time.  OR, they make it much cheaper to sign up for 6 months instead of 3 months and I am TOTALLY one of those people who gets sucked into that; a perfect target.  I know there are some free websites but as of late I have not had a lot of luck on any of them and the creep factor was just too high.

 About a month ago I was struggling with the selection on match.com… it’s a lot of money to pay to get rejected that often.  It is also a lot of money to get hit on by only very strange, creepy, too old for me, too young for me men.  Just as I was feeling like I had wasted my money signing up for 6 months, my credit card was stolen.  I got a call from the company who told me the card had been compromised and I needed to cancel it immediately.  Ugh, I thought.  What a hassle.  But of course I cancelled it and got a new one.  About a week later I got an email from match.com with the subject line “please update your payment information.” HA! How are you going to take my monthly payments I promised if there is no card on file, huh?  So smart, Sara.  I just won’t update the card and I’ll be done with match with no penalties.  How are they going to make me pay? THEY DON’T KNOW MY CREDIT CARD INFORMATION! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thinking I was oh so clever, I went in and updated my information on the important things like bills that were paid by this credit card and netflix (equal priorities).  I let match.com just sit there, no payments.  Then… they got clever too.  I started receiving emails that “someone” was interested in me.  When I clicked, match directed me to a page that said, “Do you want to know who is interested? Please update your payment information!”  Nice try match…

Then they got smarter.  I started getting emails that said “you have a message waiting.”  Yeah, sure I do.  But they persisted.  The emails began saying “you have a message from soandso.”  Uh oh.  I was starting to crack.  Be strong Sara, they could be lying.  But they probably aren’t lying… that would be like… fraud… right?  What if it is the man of my dreams?  What if he is just sitting in my inbox waiting for me and I am the RUDE person who is not reading his message.  Poor future husband.  I am so sorry.  Please forgive me!

Then they got smarter.  They increased the volume.  I still can’t figure out how they did this.  Did they start featuring my profile so more people would see it?  Did they photoshop my pictures and make me look like a supermodel?  If so, I would like these photos.  Where were all these emails coming from?  I would be just falling asleep and DING, email notification.  I would be at work at my desk and DING…. well RRRRR (vibration noise), email notification.  I would be in the car and my siri would tell me DING EMAIL!  I COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I caved.

I went on match.com and entered the new credit card.  How many months would you like to sign up for?  Well 6 months is only $19.95…. 3 months is $27.95… what to do, what to do.  Obviously I signed up for 6 months… easiest target ever.  And there were all of these smiley faces all over the pricing page.  I am convinced that this somehow contributed to the brainwashing.

I go into my inbox all excited.  

Not one good prospect.  None.  Nada.  Nil.  I was sad.

Well played match.com, well played.

Love to all my readers and thank you for your patience while there was a break in postings!

Sara

 

 

Let it go, let it go…. no but seriously, let it go.

Let it go– not just a song.

Letting go in dating is a true art form.  I have held onto more relationship junk so far past a reasonable expiration date and in the end, who does it hurt? Me.  So how do we know when it is time to let go?

In the case of the smaller scale “let it go” items… I will pull a story from a relationship I had many years ago.  My significant other and I got in what started as a playful argument in the car one day about the made up word “padiddle.”  I think most people say it when they spot a car with one taillight or headlight out, while others say it as they speedily go through a yellow light at the last minute.  One of these situations happened and I said “padiddle.”  He said, that’s cute honey but its “vadiddle.”  Such began the most ridiculous argument I have ever been in.  This argument went on for weeks.  Every time we were in the car it literally became stressful if we spotted that missing light on the car or went through a yellow light…. the tension was extreme.  What I still cannot figure out to this day is why on earth either of us let this go on.  It sounds silly, but this literally became a problem in our relationship.  It spiraled from us saying a word differently (a made-up word no less), to who was smarter than who, to who had more respect for who, and blah blah stupid blah.  I mean… seriously… RIDICULOUS.  Why on earth didn’t at least one of us let this stupid thing go?  No idea.

What about letting go of the crush that is never going to return your interest? (Warning: this story is going to make me look pathetic, enjoy.)  I was fixed up with a guy who was very nice, very good looking, very together, so it seemed.  We went out on one date and had what I thought was a great time.  A few days later he stopped answering my texts, facebook messages, everything. You would think at this point I would let it go.  Nope.  I just had to keep trying.  First I sent the casual friend-type text.  Then I got smarter and started using facebook messenger–a more stalker-friendly device– as we all know that you can tell when people view those messages.  I lost the cool, calm and collected Sara, and sunk to the “what happened? Did I do something wrong?” Sara.  Not helpful.  None of this made any difference and nothing I said would have made any difference as I am pretty sure he knew we were never going on a second date the minute the first date ended.  If only I could have gracefully LET IT GO. 

The hardest type of letting go is the post break-up letting go.  I have a fairly new friend who, like me, can attest to the fact that no matter how bad someone has treated you, no matter how strong your gut knows it is better that you are not with him, and no matter how many people remind you of this daily, when you are in love with someone, and they break up with you… it is so hard to let it go.  I have realized over and over again that love is really blinding.  It hides from us all the bad stuff and shows us only what we really want to see.  Those around us can see all that other stuff but there is only so much they can do.  They are not inside our hearts or our heads.  This strange thing happens when you are broken up with.  It is like your mind suddenly erases all the pain, all the fights, all the doubts you had while in the relationship and leaves you with this overwhelming sense of self doubt and emptiness.  So many of us think that is a reason to hold on longer… to try to figure it out or fix it.  In reality, we don’t have any other option… we have to let it go.  (There is of course a recovery period for this; no one is expected to just wake up the next day and be fine.)  

I wonder, why is it so hard to let go of things that hurt us so badly?  What do we miss most– the routine?  The normalcy?  The companionship?  I guess it can be comforting to know who you will go to bed with that night and who you will wake up to in the morning.  It can be reassuring that on your worst day you have someone to come home to even if that person isn’t right for you in the long run.  I think in some cases we have to work harder at protecting our hearts.  Of course this won’t always work and we will get hurt– that is life.  But maybe if we tried harder to listen to the voice in our heads, the one that’s shouting at us to be better to ourselves, that we deserve more… maybe that will help us let go.  Easier said than done, I know.  That voice in our hearts is often so much louder than the one in our heads.

I do think we all have to work harder to let go– to not be so emotionally exhausted hanging onto things that continue to hurt us.  I can think of about 12 other places for me to use that energy, you?

Let’s all be a little better to ourselves,

Sara

When did dating become boring?

When did dating become boring?  I’ll tell you when… now.  I find myself in a strange predicament.  I am 30 years old and very ready to find Mr. Right.  However, on my quest of sifting through the Mr. Wrongs, I have become, well, BORED from the quest!  It follows the same pattern:

1) Wink, nudge, message, smile or whatever else you do on those dating websites to get someone’s attention.

2) Pretend that you have another reason to check your email every hour other than anxiously awaiting that person’s return of attention.

3) Begin what is likely to be an awkward exchange of emails through designated website.  Ask the same questions you always ask, answer the same questions you always answer.

4) Exchange phone numbers and begin texting, because whether I want to admit it or not, no one talks on the phone anymore.  (Well except girls, we talk to each other on the phone when we have enough to say that we start to feel the carpal tunnel coming on.)

5) Decide to go out on a date.

6) Plan to meet for drinks (I hate this) or a meal (braver choice, but risky).

7) Attend said date where you talk about some of the same things you have already talked about, some new things, and wonder in your head if you are sharing too much or too little or if you are asking too much or too little.

8) My favorite step… you both say you had a great time and leave.  At this point each party waits for the other one to reach out.  What cracks me up about this step is sometimes I think people (myself included) are so worried about being the ones to reach out first that they simply never do even when they in fact did have a great time!

These steps, although repetitive, used to entertain and excite me.  I am now at the point where sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, I feel like I am just going through the motions.  It is as if I physically and emotionally cannot muster up the excitement for one more of these rounds of dating 101.

Interestingly enough, I was talking about this with a friend the other night and she said that there is a sense of “dating boredom” that comes after you are married a while as well.  I had always heard that often married couples fall into a sort of rut, but she compared it to the feelings I was expressing currently.  Sometimes, when you do something over and over again, it loses its luster and apparently this applies to both situations!

So what’s a girl to do? (Or a guy, as the case may be.)

I don’t feel like I have the right to write about marriage as I have never been in one.  I guess the question I do have to try to answer is my own.  How can I make dating fun again?  How can I get back that excitement?  I said in the very first post of this blog that I did not have all the answers and here is a perfect example.  What do you think?  How do we make dating exciting in a world that revolves around meeting people on the internet?  

On the entertaining side of internet wonders, my blog appears to be spreading… pretty sure a guy asked me out last weekend who was not at all interested in me, just to see if I would put him in my blog.

Guess he got his wish.

Happy August everyone… go on an exciting date or two, will ya?

Sara

Dating… love… and guilt.

Last week, I wrote about having deal-breakers and standards, and the importance of staying true to yourself.  The other piece of that that I didn’t mention is that whole “guilt” thing.  Dating is full of many different emotions and guilt is most certainly one of them.  Don’t get me wrong, a little guilt is not such a bad thing.  When a guy invites me to sushi and then changes his mind and offers pizza, believe me, I want him to feel a little guilty about dashing my sushi dreams for that evening (insert violins here).  

The guilt that becomes problematic is when it forces us to settle.  I am very fortunate to know a lot of wonderful people.  Because I have such a wide circle of friends, I have watched a lot of relationships come and go.  It is, of course, so sad when people break up, especially if they are two good people who are just not meant to be.  Whenever this happens to people I know, someone always feels guilty.  I hear a lot of “she’s such a great girl…. I never meant to hurt her…. this feels so awful.”  Yes, it does.

The problem comes when they turn into these sentences: “Maybe I was wrong…. maybe she will change… I feel so bad, maybe I should give her another chance.”  A good friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend and felt so terrible for hurting him that she almost went back to him just so she would feel less guilty.  She knew deep in her heart it was not right but the guilt just overcame her.  What happened?  Six weeks later it ended… again… even messier this time.

I am not saying that we don’t make mistakes.  Sometimes, people really do deserve a second chance and it does end up working out.  I think though, that when someone considers giving an ex a second chance it can’t be about guilt.  Guilt is powerful but it doesn’t fix anything, or change anything, it just is… and eventually it goes away (hopefully).

I dated a guy a few years ago that I really cared for.  He was truly a good guy.  When he ended things with me, I had this strange combination of feelings– I was heartbroken, but I got it.  He knew in his heart that I was not the one for him.  It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me, or that he didn’t enjoy spending time with me, or even that he wouldn’t miss me.  It was that he didn’t feel we were meant to be for a variety of reasons that looking back, all make sense.  I share this story because I am very grateful to that man for breaking up with me (now there’s a sentence I never imagined writing).  At the time I was so sad, and I know that made him feel terrible.  But, the reality, MY reality, is that I never want to be with someone who doesn’t love me without question, 100%, and WANT to be with me.  Don’t we all deserve that?  Don’t we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us as much as we want to be with them?

I guess I say this to both those who feel guilty and those who are the ones who’ve been hurt… Guilt is real, and powerful, and at times consumes you.  However, it is not a healthy basis for a relationship.  It is not a reason to be with someone.  Do not forget who you are and the things you are not willing to compromise… that is not something to feel guilty about.

Now if you eat my dessert…. then you can go ahead and feel guilty enough to buy me another one.  

That seems reasonable.

Sara

So that happened… (episode 1)

Since beginning my blog I have been inundated with dating horror stories from fellow love-seekers out there.  I decided every so often I will post one of these lovely stories.  Thanks to this anonymous contributor for her story!  Please note this one is rated R due to content…

After being dumped by a guy who was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, I decided to give Match.com a try. I signed up for a 3-month membership and spent several hours crafting my profile, cropping and auto-enhancing the most flattering pictures I could find and doing my best to sound as smart, sophisticated and fun-loving as every other twenty-something in ODL (online dating land). 

Soon after “launching” my completed profile, I was ready to check out some dudes. A profile with the name “ImperviousToCold” caught my attention–a graduate student at a prestigious university, he seemed smart, interesting, and pretty cute. We messaged back and forth several times and decided to meet in person.
 
The first date was, for lack of a better description, slightly uncomfortable. We met for drinks at a swanky bar of his choosing, where my Marshall’s skirt and I felt very out of place. The conversation flowed fairly easily, but he was somewhat cocky and criticized my favorite author. My older, more mature self wouldn’t have even entertained the thought of a second date, but immaturity and low self-esteem clouded my judgement and I decided to give Mr. Not-So-Modest another shot.
 
On the second date, we met up at a more relaxed bar for drinks and a few rounds of ping-pong, which was much more my style. After several cocktails and failed attempts at appearing the least bit athletic, we ended up at his parents’ expensive and tastefully decorated apartment (they were out of the country, probably hobnobbing with royalty and bathing in foie gras). We sat down in the living room, where awkward small talk led to a makeout session of epic proportions. Now, when I say epic proportions, I mean that there was an epic amount of saliva on and around my mouth–my chin, my nose, undoubtedly my hair. So much of his saliva was where it shouldn’t have been that I was concerned he might have dry mouth. He must have gotten a hint from my aggressively closed-mouth kissing, and turned the intensity down a few notches.
 
Mr. Not-So-Suave led me into his bedroom, where I discovered that you’re never too young to wear pleated khaki pants above the belly button. Various articles of clothing later, our makeout session turned horizontal. As we rounded third base, the Steven Tyler mouth was back and in full effect. Desperate for air in my lungs and a blow dryer on my face, I put the brakes on our intense cuddling. Mr. Not-So-Lucky laid back on the bed next to me, and made some remark about the home run he’d just hit. Excuse me? Was there another woman in the room? Because from my very sober point of view, nothing had entered my–er–home plate. I tried to assure him that he had not scored, but he was convinced that the deed had been done. Was he a virgin? Wishful thinking? I’m not a particularly large person, so it didn’t seem to be a case of getting “lost in the folds” (if you know what I mean). I left soon thereafter, with no intention of going on a third date.
 
Several days later, Steven Tyler called me. After our bizarre evening, I was surprised to hear from him. He stammered his way through a very awkward post-second date breakup. Relief washed over me, and I wholeheartedly agreed that the spark just wasn’t there. He continued to stumble over his words, unsure of how to end the call. I wished him good luck and hung up the phone.
 
Several years later, while skimming the New York Times wedding announcements, I saw a picture of Mr. Not-So with a soon-to-be Mrs. Not-So. I’ve never felt Oh-So-Lucky.

It is really okay to have deal-breakers

I once had someone tell me that having “deal-breakers” in dating meant I was boxing myself in, being too picky.  I disagree.  The art of the “deal-breaker” is that it is just that… it includes the things that are so important to you, you are not willing to compromise.  We talk about compromise in relationships a lot, because of course, compromise is extremely important.  However, I do not believe a person should compromise their beliefs or the things they hold dear to them just to “make it work” with someone.

Where did that saying even come from? “Make it work.”  That is a terrible saying.  It might apply to a workplace relationship, or a sibling relationship…. those you really should try to “make work,” but a romantic relationship?  Don’t think so.  In my opinion, the person you spend your life with should be someone you don’t have to try so hard to “make it work” with.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I know relationships are work, but a relationship should not begin with the words “let’s make it work!”

Earlier in my life I made a huge mistake.  I fell in love with someone and in order to “make it work,” I started compromising things that made me who I am.  I tried so hard to make our relationship work that in the process, I lost myself.  It took me a long time to understand what had happened but when I was able to piece back together the parts of me that had been lost, I had a huge realization.  First, that I had no one to blame for this loss of self except me.  I am the one who let those pieces of me go, no one forced me.  And second, that as wonderful as it is to be in love, we cannot lose ourselves in love.  In the process of falling in love, it is so incredibly important to make sure we are still being true to ourselves.  

This brings me back to the idea of deal-breakers.  In the beginning stages of meeting someone and getting to know them, I believe it is okay to have those few things in the back of your mind that are SO IMPORTANT, they are parts of who you are.  It is okay to be picky.  It is okay to give yourself permission to have standards.  I mean, if you are truly looking for the person you will spend the rest of your life with, I can’t think of any other more appropriate situation in which to have standards– deal-breakers– can you?  Everyone will have different things that they consider their deal-breakers.  What I might hold dear to myself is likely to be completely different than what you hold dear.

What do you want?  Go ahead, have a few deal-breakers.

Happy Monday…

Sara

 

 

And then…. there was tinder.

So this Tinder app….. why do we do this to ourselves?

For those of you who don’t know what Tinder is, allow me to explain.  Tinder is an app you can download to your smart phone.  When you open it up, it asks you for your age and to add a few photos of yourself.  You have the option to write a sentence or two underneath your pictures but most do not.  You then go to the main screen where peoples faces start popping up. Tinder provides you pictures of others (men or women, whatever you choose) in a certain mile radius and you must decide if you are interested in them.  Swiping one way means NO.  Swiping the other way means YES.  If both you and another person swipe YES, you are able to start messaging back and forth on said app.  

Now, it’s not that I don’t see the point.  For those out there that are not looking for a relationship, Tinder is great.  I assure you that if you are looking for a quick hookup, Tinder allows you to do so without even leaving the house…well I suppose one of you would have to…  But for those of us looking for something other than a one night stand, Tinder is a colossal waste of time.  This is not an opinion, this is my experience.  I tried Tinder for about 2 weeks just to see what all the hype was about.  I swiped yes to a lot of men.  I even messaged with many of these men.  I admit, it was a little exciting every time Tinder through a little party on my phone that read “you have a new match.”   On the whole, I think I spoke to about 20 men.  Out of those men, 11 asked for naked pictures of me, three asked me to talk dirty to them, three asked how much money I made and then stopped talking to me and two asked me if I was interested in having a three-some…. I wonder if they knew each other….?  One turned out to be an okay guy, didn’t go anywhere but at least he didn’t fall into any of the categories I just mentioned.  One… in twenty.  Not terrible, but not great odds.

I do think it is funny.  How many people do you know that SWEAR it is the personality that matters the most?  I am sure I have said that at some point…”looks aren’t important, it is what’s on the inside that matters!”  Well folks, that’s bull.  If that was the truth, apps like Tinder would not have so many participants.  Don’t get me wrong, at the end of the day what is on the inside DOES matter the most.  However, if you are not attracted to the other person, it’s not going anywhere.  In my opinion, the attraction gets things going, but the heart and soul are what keep it going; both are important.

The problem with apps like Tinder and other online dating tools is that you are seeing the best of the person, not the whole person.  I know that when I made my online dating profile, I picked the absolute best pictures of me and wrote only the good things in the “about me” section.  When asked about pets, instead of putting that cats scare the crap out of me and I have never really been a dog person, I just didn’t put anything at all in that section.  Instead of admitting that although I have a job I love, my salary is less than impressive, I too left that blank.  I think it is normal to want to paint yourself in the best light possible on any of these dating sites, but unfortunately, you cannot hide the bad stuff forever– not even the bad stuff…. just the REAL stuff.  At some point, I hope I will reach a point where I put the picture up of me with no makeup and my crazy curly hair instead of the one with my perfectly overdone makeup and time consumingly- blow-dried hair.  At some point…. like in 60 years.

Until next time,

Sara

Reason 1,538 why I love online dating…

As I think many of you will agree, online dating sucks.  But the reality is, there just aren’t a lot of good ways to meet people, so a few years ago, my love/hate relationship with online dating began.  I admit, I have tried a variety of websites… probably MOST of them.  As a nice Jewish girl…. well… a Jewish girl… I decided to start with Jdate.  For those of you who don’t know, this is a dating website for Jews to meet, chat, and immediately start repopulating the earth with Jewish babies.  All Jews must use this website for a minimum of three months to please their mothers, and then they can move on to other sites.

I admit, I was a little disappointed when I first joined the site to find that there was not a very large selection.  However, there were a handful of prospects, so, like any good Jewish girl… I got cooking.  The thing about Jdate, is that when you grow up in a fairly small community, like I did, and then start dating as an adult in this community, pretty much everyone you date knows someone you know.  Jews call it “Jewish geography” but I am guessing this is not unique to us…

So I meet this guy, we will call him Moses (I know, clever).  Immediately I think to myself, Moses is about my age…. he grew up in this area…. someone must know him.  I mention him to a few close friends and sure enough, one of my best friends says “Sara, I know him, do not date him.”

Lesson:

When one of your best friends says “Sara, I know him, do not date him” ……. you should probably listen.

But no, “I have to give him a chance,” says Sara… “He’s probably grown a lot since you knew him,” says Sara… “I bet you are thinking of someone else,” says Sara.  

“No Sara, I am not, do not date him,” says friend.

But of course, I insist on going on this one date.  I usually make it a point to talk with someone on the phone before going out with them.  I like to hear what their voice sounds like, figure out if they can carry on a conversation… you know, begin the judgement process right off the bat (sad but true… we all do it).  My first sign that perhaps my friend was right should have been when during the second phone conversation, before the first date ever occurred, Moses said to me “would you like to go to a concert with me in October?”  Did I mention this phone conversation occurred in May?  My response was “how about we see how dinner goes first…..”  

Still, I had to go on this date.  

I get to the restaurant and Moses meets me outside and promptly pummels me with a hug.  Now listen, I am a very warm, touchy-feely, hug you all day long kind of person.  But this hug felt like I was being run over by a bear and all I could think was, “I think I am supposed to act really big and scary so he will run away.”  Isn’t that what you are supposed to do if you encounter a bear?  But I digress….

During the course of dinner, somehow the following conversation occurs:

Moses:  Do you think the man should always pay?

Sara:  No, I think it’s nice when the man offers to pay on the first date, but in general I think both parties should offer to pay.

Moses: Hmmm…

Sara:  (uh oh)

Moses:  You know what really turns me on?

Sara:  (Do I have my pepper spray?)  Uh…… no?

Moses:  Well… like… let’s say me and a girl… we are at the movies… and the girl… she steps in front of me and throws her money down on the counter for the tickets and says “I got this.”  That is such a turn on.

Sara:  (oh shit) Okay….

Moses:  Yeah… if that happened, I would be like, baby… let’s find a bathroom.

Sara:  (I definitely do not have my pepper spray)

Moses:  Ya know what I mean?

Sara:  (NO?!?!)  Uh… sure.  

Needless to say, I was not giving this guy a chance, he had not changed since my friend new him, and he was exactly who my friend was thinking of.

Oh well…. thanks for the memories Jdate.

Sara